Deep Conversations

Most days go by without me craving much human interaction.  I know, day after day after day of that would probably drive most normal people crazy.  While they are extremely few, I do accept most every invitation to go out for lunch or grocery shopping.  If I didn't have that interaction, I'd have none.

Today is a little different though.  Since I woke up, I have been craving conversation.  Like an overnight case of indigestion, it might pass....but maybe not.  Maybe it is an stirring deep inside me that has felt dead for the past several months....but maybe not.

It is very unusual for me to crave conversation and to desire anything more than surface conversation at that.  But, I am now.  I want and need to have deep, thoughtful conversation.  The kind where you sit down and talk about hard things for an hour.  The kind that is thought-provoking and understanding.  The kind that pushes you to want to put the darkness aside inside of grasp hold of it for dear life.

The phone rang earlier.  It rarely does.  Elbow deep in painting didn't stop me from answering.  The content is irrelevant to this topic, but I realized something about myself.  I can't have good conversation on the phone.  Not that I didn't know that about myself, I did.  This was a didn't perspective for me. 

During my first week at the eye clinic many years ago, one of the doctors told me that I had a wonderful phone voice.  He said that it was soft, calming and welcoming.  (Not sure all of that was complimentary, looking back at it now.)  He told me that if I would make a conscious effort to smile the minute I answered the phone, there wouldn't be anything I couldn't accomplish over the phone. 

His theory was right.  It didn't matter if it was business  or personal, I found that smiling while I talked on the phone made me a more pleasant person even in the most difficult conversations.  I cannot tell you how many times a hopeless situation was resolved and for really no obvious reason except my demeanor stayed positive and calm, which I blame on the smile.  There was definitely truth in the smiling phone call being the happy phone call.

The problem is that it has become habit.  I can literally be planted in the deepest, darkest emotional hole and answer the phone with a smile.  A smile and happy voice doesn't ever lead to honest conversation for me.  It's so hard for me to divulge any details of my own messiness anyway.  With the happy, calm voice, the person on the other end would never have a clue of the despair I was feeling at that moment.

I think it is safe to say I am not craving a phone conversation.  It is definitely a more personal conversation. 

It is very hard for me to admit that I am craving that deep kind of conversation, especially one where I share anything personal about myself.  So many times those kind of conversations lead to painful conclusions for me. 

Let's face it, us humans...well we take a Bob the Builder approach to everything and want to fix all that we can.  That is not what I want or need, but often what I get.  So often I get books, suggestions that worked for someone else, scripture, or various other quick fixes for all my burdens.  Don't get me wrong, every suggestion is worthy of consideration. 

The problem is that most people want to throw whatever solution at the problem and run.  I don't think I have ever had anyone bring a sincere suggestion to me and offer to wade through the mess with me.  Some people don't even throw a solution at me, they just run.  I don't blame them, I probably would too.  My mess is massive most of the time.  I get why I go it alone a lot.

Go it alone, I do.  I do have a very persistent counselor who does her best.  But right now, I'm craving a different set of ears.  I'm craving a different perspective.

You would think that I could probably have that deep conversation with my husband, but you would be wrong.  I am going to get painfully honest right now.  I have said before, my husband works three jobs.  He is not home much, rarely available physically.  By the time he gets home at night, he is exhausted.

What I haven't shared with you is that on top of everything else right now, we are floundering as a couple too.  That's just honest.  I am not pointing a finger at him either.

My husband has his own issues and is obviously overworked.  Most days I feel as though we are two single people who just live with each other.  There is no conversation, deep or otherwise.  Just because we don't have kids doesn't mean that we are any closer than any other couple. 

We don't do "date" nights.  Occasionally, we go to dinner.  That is usually a time of sitting face to face, surfing on the cell phones, unable to have conversations because they all lead to arguments.  Again, not pointing a finger at all but explaining that deep conversation isn't plentiful in this house.

I would seriously wish this craving away, except it is the only normal thing I've felt in months.  It is the only healthy desire I've had.  But, I am sure the hopelessness will soon wash it away as quickly as it came.