Count Down to Breakdown

Today is the first of 11 days that are going be very different for me and unlike any span of time I have had in the past 3+ years. 

My primary support (aside from my husband) is leaving town on vacation.  I do not begrudge her the time away at all, she deserves it.  We often coordinate vacation times so that I don't have to go days and days without counseling or the support she gives. 

I can't tell you what will happen this time, but I can tell you what has happened every time she's left town for the past 5 years.  I absolutely breakdown.  I absolutely revert back to total self dependence.  By the time she gets back, I've convinced myself that I don't need any help from anybody and we usually spend weeks trying to develop a routine again.

This time is a little different than times past.  There are usually times when she will call or email to check in on me.  Even with that I fall apart.  This time, those things won't happen. 

I suppose a couple weeks or months from now, I will be able to look back at my posts and think wow that sucked but at least it's over...till next time.

Unfortunately, this really stirs up the internal need I have to push everyone away and be dependent on nobody.  It makes me want to take care of myself completely and not need anyone. 

Ugh...how many more days?