Insecurity Monster

Now that the upstairs of our house is done, it is time to tackle the basement.  My husband started the process last weekend by bringing up a Rubbermaid container and cleaning it out.  Inside the tub were varies items from the the past, more his past than mine. 

He found his junior college diploma, old Boeing paraphernalia, newspapers from his time as a sports photographer, and a couple photos from the first month we dated.

We met January 1994, so these photos are nearly 20 years old.  Honestly, I didn't recognize the teenager on the 8x10. 

I was so small.  My hair was terrible.  My face was so skinny that I look sick.  The worst part of it was that I was so ugly.  I was physically ugly.  In all fairness, the photo was taken less than a month after I stopped living on a combo of illegal drugs.  I had lost 80 lbs in 6 months because I drank, took drugs, never ate and rarely slept.  It wasn't the weight loss that made me ugly, it was just me.

What I remember about that time was how often my boyfriend (future husband) complimented me on how I looked.  Whether we snuggled on a couch together or on the truck tailgate, he always pulled me close, kissed my forehead and told me I was pretty. 

Here we are now nearly 20 years later and so much has changed.  I certainly don't look like that ugly teenager anymore, but I do feel the ugliness. 

I have so many other issues that I don't usually think about appearance.  It is rare for me to feel insecure about my looks, but it does creep in once in a while.  I'm definitely going through some of that right now.

For the past three weeks or so, I have tracked my calories and watched what I have eaten.  I have been careful to not surpass my daily calorie count except for special days.  While it has been slow and hard sometimes, I have lost 11 lbs to date.  What's sad is that I have to lose 20 lbs or more for anyone to notice, especially my husband. 

It is really hard to continue pushing yourself on a diet when there is no encouragement.  The encouragement motivates you to keep pushing yourself even when you don't want to.  I know, I know...you should want to do it for yourself and I totally do.  It's just that encouragement makes it easier.

Is there anything worse for your self-esteem than feeling fat and ugly at the same time?  I think not!

We watched "This is 40" last night.  I laughed and cried.  It is supposed to be a comedy, but it is so real.  I think getting away from those endearing dating days is something we all eventually do.  But, why do we have to?

Do we really just drift so far apart and let so much of life get in the way that we can't still see the beauty in the person we married?  This year will mark our 15th wedding anniversary.  There isn't a lot we don't do around each other and not a lot left to the imagination. 

One scene of the movie was the couple having a serious conversation while the man is farting through the whole thing without missing a beat.  He blames it on the mattress while the wife is talking through the gagging.  Ladies...I'm sure most of you have experienced something similar.  Life just gets that way after a while.  But does it really have to?

I contend that it does not.  I just don't know how to stop it.  I've fallen into that sad, pathetic housewife whose self-esteem floats on the bottom of the barrel. 

That picture was a slap in the face for me.  How could he call that ugly teenager beautiful when he barely knew me?  How can he know me so well now and yet go years without so much as a compliment?  Have I gotten even uglier as I've aged?  Does he know me so well that the most beautiful part of me was the mystery? 

I'm not sure what the root of the problem or the solution is for us.  What I do know is that if you haven't complimented your spouse lately, STOP what you are doing right now and go do it.  Whether you know it or not, your spouse wants to be encouraged and loved and complimented just like they were before marriage and life and kids and jobs and homes and so much more came along.