Don't Ignore the Signs

“But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.”
― Albert Camus

Honestly, sometimes I don't have that much courage to live.  However, I have failed to have the courage to die during those times of desperation.  There are times when it isn't a lack of courage but something far bigger than me which keeps me alive.

I found myself in an awkward, yet enlightening, conversation this week that made me think through this all again.  Not necessarily how the fate of my life teeters on destruction, but how others react to suicide and suicidal thinking.

One thing is clear, those who have never been in such despair, such anguish, well....they really don't understand.  It is unfathomable to them because they have never been in the shoes of those who have contemplated suicide or followed through.

Some of the ladies who were talking knew a young man who recently committed suicide.  The overwhelming consensus was that most could not really understand it.  In fact of all the women in the conversation, only two people said they got what suicide was about.  Both admitted that they had at times been so low that they considered it.  They both said they reached out for help, which turned their lives around or saved their lives. 

A public public figure recently lost his son to suicide.  This quote came from a press release in the days following the loss.  "He had a brilliant intellect and a gift for sensing who was most in pain or most uncomfortable in a room. He'd then make a bee-line to that person to engage and encourage them," he continued. "But only those closest knew that he struggled from birth with mental illness, dark holes of depression, and even suicidal thoughts. In spite of America's best doctors, meds, counselors, and prayers for healing, the torture of mental illness never subsided."

I love the gut-wrenching truth of this. 

Those in pain often do have a sense about others who are in pain.  They can often see what your average person cannot.  They often find strength to encourage others even when while they are slipping away.

Only those closest...  Oh how true this is.  Only the closest ever know and even sometimes they don't.  There is rarely anyone who knows just how bad things are for me until the time has passed.  I don't reach out to anyone because the few times I have ended in total disaster and loss of trust. 

Despite all the best help possible, this young man still lost the fight.  Believe me, struggling with a mental illness is an everyday fight.  It is torture.  Unfortunately, I have one of those illnesses that will be life-long.  In fact, my illness has such a high morbidity rate that it is nearly impossible for me to purchase life insurance.  While it isn't a death sentence, it is a life sentence.

Over the past few months, I have shared quite openly with anyone who has asked that I am so depressed I constantly want to die.  Through text, email, phone call, facebook, I have very honestly shared my suicidal thinking.  Never did I share that as a way to shock anyone.  I was being honest!  Since January, I have shared that very open and frankly with over a dozen people, maybe double that by now.  Only 1 person has ever followed up with me or asked any questions about me getting help.  Not one person contacted my husband nor made sure I was ok the next day.  That's a hard one to swallow.

I share that with you again, only as a plea.  Not necessarily a plea for me, I know I'll survive until I don't.  But, I share this as a plea for anyone around you.  I know I have shared something similar to this before now, but please hear me out again.

If someone says to you that they want to die, do NOT ignore it.  Step outside of your average life for a moment.  Step outside of your world where most days the worst thing that happens to you is that they don't fix your latte correctly.  If someone is sharing with you that they are in such despair that they are considering suicide, you have an obligation to not ignore it.  Contact that person the next day.  Contact their spouse.  Contact their neighbor.  That person is obviously stuck in a life which is out of control and possibly so far out of control that they will die. 

Please know that I do believe suicide is a choice made by the person doing it and nobody can bare any guilt over that.  However, you have to know that someone sharing that deep, darkness with you quite possibly is their one and only attempt to ask for help.  Don't ignore it!