Baby Dreams

I have a confession. I think this baby stuff has taken over my life. For 16 nights straight, I have woke up in the middle of the night from either a nightmare about babies, in full blown memory of the losses or in tears with the latest loss on my mind.

It's safe to say, I'm not through this yet.

In all fairness, I did talk to our minister about it. He had wonderful, wise counsel and was willing to listen to me. I met with him twice and told him I was fine, over it.

Now I am fairly certain he'd talk with me again, especially if he knew how much it is bothering me still. However, I have those two little problems. One is pride, I couldn't possible admit that I fudged the truth with him. The other, my solid to the core belief that I am not worth the time. I don't ever feel as though I am worthy of anyone's time, that there are far more important things for that person to deal with than me.

So here I am. Still stuck in this place of all consuming grief and confusion.

In January, I'm headed to school to be a counselor. I've been walking with people through some pretty tough stuff lately. I feel like I should already have all the answers and know how to get over this. But I don't.

I'm not depressed, that's not it. It's grief and sadness over a loss.

There's a part of me that's glad winter is coming. The less I'm around people, the better. I just can't hold myself together long enough to be around people for extended periods. It's too hard.

Last Friday, my previous psychologist called me. He was so kind to be checking in on me. As I left him a voicemail, a bit of reality smacked me in the face. I reported the news, gave the rundown of everything that's happened since we last spoke in July.

After I finished the rundown, I told him not to worry that I was doing absolutely fine. As the word fine hit my lips, my voice cracked and the tears shot out of my eyes. I abruptly ended the message, hoping his keen psychological spidey sense wouldn't kick in and I wouldn't be faced with a return call.

There is only so much he can do so far away. I'm very much a face to face person and am exactly that way with this stuff.

Since I'm still struggling physically with my hemoglobin being so low, I don't have a choice but to go to sleep at night. Otherwise, I'd opt to stay awake and forgo the nightmares.

I don't know who you (the reader is), but I would love it if you'd pray for me. That either this season of grief and confusion would subside, get easier or that I would finally come to the end of myself and ask for help cause I'm failing miserably doing this alone.