I Love My Brothers

I talk about my little brother a lot, but I have two younger brothers.

My brother, Randy, and I haven't spoken in over 8 years. Our relationship has been strained for a lot longer than my estrangement from my family.

He is 16 months younger than me. Growing up, he was always the tallest, physically healthiest and most athletic.

But, he was broken by the same evil that broke me.

I have many memories of abuse, but there is one that has haunted me more than any other.

For many of our childhood years, my dad sold us into prostitution. I didn't know at the time it was called prostitution. He would take us to men's houses or allow men to come in our house. They would hand him cash and then they were allowed to do sexual and torturous things to us. Nothing off limits. I saw and experienced it all.

If we were uncooperative, we paid a price. My brother's punishment was usually a brutal rape afterward by my dad. During one of those times, my brother looked at me and cried out for me to help him.

I was a child in fear. I couldn't do anything. I loved my brothers and cares for them in motherly ways. But I couldn't stop the pain and abuse.

His face during that time. It's often the last thing I see before waking up in a cold sweat and tears. It's the image that most haunts me.

For obvious reasons, my brother became very angry. Late in high school, he developed an odd seizure pattern. He was an outstanding athlete. He represented the US in junior Olympic international competitions. He was headed for multiple scholarship opportunities through sports. The seizures derailed all of that.

He spent most of his senior year in and out of hospitals and having tests. He was physically healthy and nothing could be found. He finally ended up in the psych ward of a KC hospital. It was there, in 1997, his seizures were diagnosed as dissociative episodes and he was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly Multiple Personality Disorder.

When the doctor started questioning my parents about trauma and abuse, they checked him out of the hospital and prevented him from getting treatment.

The years following his diagnosis, he became increasingly violent. He would snap. He had several girlfriends who accused him of rape. He physically attacked me in my home. He was violent and barely able to escape jail.

In the early 2000s, he was diagnosed with MS. In 2008, he was diagnosed with a clotting disorder that was said to shorten his lifespan to five years or less.

I'm convinced that the meds he has to take to function are also helping his anger and mental health. He still has issues. You don't come out of what he did, get no help and not have residual issues. Now he lives a life of depression and hoarding.

I don't have a relationship with him. My experience with him has been toxic. I can't do that. He's also very connected to his parents still.

I have forgiven him. How could I not? I know he was a product of the same hell I was. He's never found the help I have.

I pray for him. I want him to know the peace I have found. Peace doesn't erase pain or memories, but it does give you something besides the pain.

I love him. I know he's doing the best he can given what he's survived. And he is a survivor. I have to respect that. I have never met anyone with as extensive abuse as we endured, except my brothers. I have to acknowledge the inner strength that has brought us all through that.

I love both my brothers.

My little brother is almost 4 years younger than me. He didn't experience quite the depth of abusewe did. He's also the more sensative of the two brothers. He didn't come out unscathed. He can't show emotion and has his own issues.

It's been a lot easier to rebuild a relationship with him. I think some of that is me being able to show him love knowing he isn't capable of showing it in return.

I am excited for the upcoming visit with my little brother. But, my heart still aches for my other brother. He's on borrowed time medically and lives a miserable life. I know I can do little more than pray. I know the Lord loves him and was grieved when my bother was broken by evil.

Please pray with me for my brothers. They need Jesus. They need to know a true love. They need restoration.