Homebound

In just a few hours, we will make the 12-13 hour trek back home. I can't wait.

I can't sleep. I'm tired but I cant. My inlaws have a cat that I'm allergic to, so I'm stuffy and can't breathe.

Yesterday was miserable. Only my husbands dad talked to me. I sat and ate lunch completed alone. Not joking. My husband sat with his family and there were no seats left for me. Any seat I tried to take, I got told was already taken. Even the one saved for the cousin who left before we ate.

My mother in law was in fine form. She's regressed to a childish state and my father in law is incredibly mean to her. I can't even go there.

The dogs are ready. They don't like all the time they've spent in the car and on leashes. Their habits have been disrupted.

Mostly, I'm ready for the holiday hibernation. I've had enough of the drama and pain and frustration. I'm ready to be home and not leave. I don't know how else to deal with life the next month.

Unfortunately, my life is set up to allow me to do just that. Church and grocery shopping will be the only times I'm expected to leave the house. The difficult things will be easy to avoid right now because my husband won't be motivated to go either.

I haven't forgotten that the last three weeks I spent in Ohio were hard and I was struggling to find my place there. Time hasn't made that go away. In fact, it's gotten a little worse. Once I'm away from regular activity, especially difficult ones, it's harder to return. That's just the honesty of how I am.

I'm a little fearful of the next month and the possible depression that could hit. With the grief, holiday stuff, marriage stuff and the adapting process, I'm not sure I'll fair so well. I'd be ok to sleep until December 26.

Because of several things that have happened, I've got some serious walls up with people I've met. A month ago, I'd tell you I was making a lot of friends and was happy about that. The things that have happened have caused me to retreat.

I have A friend. She is encouraging and loving and probably only one of two people in the entire state of Ohio that I trust and can be honest with. With everyone else, I've taken a step back and intentionally stopped sharing who I am and my heart. I got hurt and misunderstood. It's made me question whether I can truly be myself around people and definitely made me stop being vulnerable. I can't even bring myself to participate in bible study or small group settings. I know it's my choice to be self protective, but I definitely feel isolated and as though my spark has blown out.

So I better go shower so we can head home, our only home.