A few days ago, I thought completely separating myself from this blog and social media was the right thing to do. Then sub zero temps and snow had me homebound with nothing to do. Well, almost nothing. After getting caught up on school work, I spent hours listening to worship music, praying and probably a little time weeping and maybe some time wrestling with my feelings and thoughts.
Earlier this week, I had someone I care about let me know they had been offended by a post I'd written. While the issue was based on a misunderstanding, it has pushed me to think through a few things in my life.
There's probably a few things that need to be said about this blog. Out of the 100s of people who read daily, I only know a handful by name. Out of that handful, I don't think about them when I write. I don't consider who is reading. However, I do not write negatively about people I have healthy relationships with at all. The reason, I would much rather be honest directly with them if I have a problem with them.
When I write, I write for me. This is my space to empty my head. Without it, I would implode and turn to self destructive behavior. The most important thing to know about this is that I am honest. In this blog, you see the darkest parts of my heart. They aren't pretty, but it's honest and who I am. That is also why you will see me wrestle with faith and sin and hurt. It's the ugliest parts in the process of sanctification. But I put them out there, knowing it makes me vulnerable. I'll never tell anyone I am perfect. In fact, I say all the time I'm not. There will be things I post on here that will show my imperfections and how far I have to go in this process. It's still so far from where I started and I have to acknowledge that.
If you are a regular reader, I'd ask that you consider what I've said. I don't write to insult or offend anyone even though I know things written with strong compassion and high emotion can come across offensive. I never intentionally want to offend or hurt anyone. I take it very personally when I have. But please, extend me grace while I grow and choose healthy behavior over destructive. Even I must offer myself grace.
The past year of trials has taught me that I must learn as I go and continually give myself the same grace and forgiveness I receive daily from God.
For the time being, this space is my outlet. I need it. Perception is everything. Right now my perception is that without my husband, I'd be completely alone. My previous friends have moved on and I'm rarely on their radar. I understand. I'm not there. I can't be a part of their lives in the same capacity. My perception is that I really don't have any friends here either. After a month of missing church and having only one person check the entire time, I think it's an understandable perception.
This is a miserable time for me. I'm not making excuses, but being honest. My husband pointed out last night how sad it is that he is finally feeling good and I'm miserable. I'm so proud of him for finally getting to a healthier place with our move. He's developing friendships and is happier here than I thought he'd ever be.
I will still blog, but I definitely need to be away from facebook. Oh my goodness. That site has become a place of high emotion for me. Honestly, I felt as though I was getting sucked back into my grade school years. Such drama. There always seems to be debating, hatefulness, and judgement. Not only that, but I see so much immaturity and passive aggressiveness. Seriously. I can't handle one more person complaining about their children or spouse in hateful ways and even having arguments. I am over the childishness of unfriending people instead of being honest.
Think about this scenario for a second, I've seen it many times and how it hurts people. You go to church and serve alongside someone. The person gets upset with you and unfriends you on facebook. Or, the person who sits in front of you week after week won't accept a friend request. Or, you watch as particular people encourage others but never you.
Think about what is happening here. If we saw the same thing play out in a classroom, we'd consider it poor communication and even possibly a bit of bullying or intentional exclusion. It's happening all the time on Facebook and we think nothing of it. We also never consider the awkwardness these things will create in the future nor how they push hurting and broken people further away from the church.
As christians or even just as compassionate people, it's not the way we should be handling ourselves. It's truly hurting the people on the receiving end and altering how they handle face to face relationships with lowered self esteem. I've seen it. I've lived it.
All that to say, I just can't put myself where negative emotions are constantly triggered. I know, I'll ultimately be isolating myself even more, but I need to protect my heart. I have far too many obstacles in life to intentionally give myself more.
I know God is working on my heart. I know that even when I feel alone, he's never left me. I know when I've laid out the darkest parts of my heart, he still loves me anyway.
No comments:
Post a Comment