Post Dream

Two nights ago, I had a dream that has stuck with me. It's tapping at my current insecurities and fear.

When I had surgery in September, I was scared. Remember, I thought I was going to die and came closer than ever. I was physically ill and emotionally shaken. I was also incredibly alone. Once my husband was sent to the waiting area so I could be prepped, I WAS all alone.

My nurse was this muscular guy named Evan. At first, I was put off by the male nurse given the nature of the problem. I'm extremely modest. I couldn't have had better care.

Evan was gentle and caring. He was sensative to the issues. He got my IV in on the first stick and that's never happened. Even more amazing given the blood condition. I was the only patient, so that did allow all the attention on me.

He could see my weakness and helped me undress and dress in ways that respected my modesty. When I started to cry in fear, he sat with me and rubbed my hand. He assured me that he would be right there waiting for me in recovery. And he was. During recovery, I received equal care. Despite my grogginess, I remember him sitting on a stool wiping my face with a watm cloth. He explained to me what had happened in the OR. He explained that my temp had dropped dangerously low and the situation with my hemoglobin. He told me about the meds I needed to take. He said over and over that I was sicker than anyone had known and emphasized how important it was to take care of myself going forward.

Every step of the way, I knew I was care for in this amazing way. Physically and emotionally, this stranger had carried me through. There wasn't an attraction on my part, but a genuine sense of appreciation.

I hadn't thought much about Evan since the following weeks after surgery. Until my dream.

In my dream, I had a terminal medical condition. My husband and Evan took my diagnosis on and flew us across the country for help.

Most of the dream was pretty far fetched. The helicopter was bizarre and the whole thing was just weird.

As I talked to my husband about my dream, I realized why it's stuck with me.

Life has been a struggle. I've struggled to find deeper relationships where I feel cared about. I'm not saying I have none, I'm just saying not many and it's been difficult. Kent and I have struggled to feel close.

In talking with him, we both agreed that it's been hard to believe we are loved and cared for in intimate ways. Our physical needs have been met, but emotional not so much.

The reason my dream was so impactful was because that was the last time that I knew without a doubt that every need I had was met. It was the last time that I knew the person holding my hand was going to do everything they said. It was the last time that I felt physically and emotionally cared for and without fear.

I could have had a similar experience with a female nurse, so again, it has nothing to do with lust or sexuality.

It makes me sad, but also reminds me of our responsibility to others. During times of illness, transition and even wellness, that hand hold ours, both literally and figuratively, means so much. Those are the times when we know without doubt that we are cared for and those times may fall far apart.