Quiet Sunday Morning

It's Sunday morning and I have a quiet house. Except for the ceiling fan and one dog playing, there's nothing going on. Just me and my thoughts.

The past few days have been rough physically. My Bells Palsy is improving slowly. My face is not dropping as bad, I can close my eye all the way with some effort and my lips are no longer completely turned down. The pain has been excruciating through. The electro stimulation I've been having makes my facial muscles ache. The worst is the spasms right below the ear. When they start, nothing helps. The pain radiates all over my head and down into my shoulder.

Last night was probably the worst. Every 5-10 minutes, the pain hit me like a baseball bat to the head. I cried and fought nausea. Not exactly a glamorous Saturday night. I hesitate to say that the pain is better today because I fear that will be its indicator to start again.

I don't remember the pain last time, but I also didn't rush healing with treatment either. I suppose there may have been some pain, but life was different then and I likely didn't feel pain the same way.

It really has improved enough that I could have gone to church. The noise would have likely triggered a headache and pain, but I could have gotten through. I didn't have a desire. My third straight week out and I didn't care to go. A decision that I understand only hurts me.

But it's hard. There's been several things that have happened over the past few weeks and months that make it hard.

Truly it is a painful reality to know you aren't liked. I don't say that flippantly or without serious consideration.

Please understand, I'm not lumping all christians together nor am I talking about everyone in this church nor am I referring to only people in church. It comes back to what I have said over and over. I am an outsider.

It is easy to not like me because I don't dress, think, feel, act, speak like everyone else here. I stand out. The only way to fit would be to transform into something I'm not. How do I know? Because that's exactly how I have treated outsiders before.

New people at work or church. Odd new neighbors. New introductions into social circles. I've treated the new comer as if they were an unwanted alien. And now I'm the alien.

It sucks and I now regret it. I also better understand the common response that many people have to new people. It's a struggle to deal with change. We have our people and our ways of doing things and our flesh fights against changing that. I say that knowing that understanding more doesn't mean hurting less.

As a general rule, I am polite and gracious with people I've just met. I smile and remain a bit reserved. That's just how I am around strangers. It either takes time or an act of God for me to be comfortable. Once I'm comfortable, I tend to be more myself. Still respectful but a little less afraid of honesty.

Like I've said, I don't fit here. So, there's little I can say or share or do that will change that.

Believe me, I've had people try to convince me otherwise. I've had people tell me I'm not disliked or that I fit in just fine.

Here's the deal. I'm not much into cliches but its suitable for this. Actions speak louder than words.

You can run your mouth all day long and spoon feed me the BS. However, when your actions don't match what you've said, then I'm the one calling BS. And that's what's been happening.

I don't want to go into details. I don't think that's fair. Rest assured, I've seen it. My husband has seen it. It's not pretty. And sadly, it puts us in our place as outsiders.

So can you guess what my Sunday morning thoughts are? I'm dreaming of the day when we can get back to KC and I hate it. I hate not living it here.