My Husband's Comment

My husband made a comment to me yesterday that was so brutally honest and yet made me evaluate myself. He told me I had been really crabby.

First of all, that was really a smooth move on his part. Cause what wife doesn't just love being told they are crabby.

But really, he was right. I have let people, circumstances and situations suck the joy completely out of me. I am not afraid to admit it. Admitting my faults is one of my strengths. I have a lot, why not openly share.

It is complete honesty that leads me to say that sometimes finding joy isn't easy. Sometimes it is a fight.

Whether I am looking out the window or looking in the mirror, I don't easily see it.

Almost two weeks of half my face not working, there's no joy in that. I anxiously get up at 5 am every morning and pop into the bathroom hoping to see just a tiny bit of movement in my eyebrow or lips. Nothing! Every single time, there is nothing. It isn't that there hasn't been any change. My face isn't drooping as bad. My eye is closing almost all the way when I'm not tired. The ear pain has decreased. There is plenty of positives, but they are hard to see when you aren't getting the result you want.

When I look outside, I see grey, bare trees and brown, dry grass. It is cold and miserable. There isn't snow. I love snow and would much rather see that. The weather people get me all excited each week for the next big snow storm and they have all fizzled or we've gotten freezing rain. Or, and definitely my favorite, is that it will snow all day long and there will not be one flake that is on the ground at 6 pm. How does that happen? It's depressing. I could be thankful for clear roads this winter and for sunshine, but it's just not that easy.

The truth is that I am fighting (probably not very hard) for joy. My life is school, chores, fix dinner, school, sleep and repeat. I haven't found balance yet. I don't have a strong connection to anything right now and I feel only somewhat present in the day to day life around here.

My husband, bless him, made an observation last weekend that he has never made in over 20 years together. As we sat watching the Super Bowl Sunday night, he said to me that he felt like we weren't connecting.

Hello? What did you just say?

I'm usually the one kicking and screaming over that. I'm the one that will throw the gigantic sized fit when he isn't balancing work and home life well. I'm the one who will try and fail to be gracious when I ask for more attention from him.

Weeks have passed and I never realized that we had done another flip-flop.

Between learning to balance a new normal, high emotion over various things going on, lack of relationships and a bit of seasonal/circumstantial depression, I had completely forgotten about my husband. Truthfully, I had coexisted in this space with him for at least a week without initiating a conversation with him. Thankfully this was one of the times he offered me grace and confronted me in a loving and respectful way.

I know there is room for improvement and I am headed that direction. I am halfway through my first term of three classes. My next term is only two classes. I have two papers to write in the next four weeks. Crazy. I can write on here all day long, but hate writing a term paper.

Another subject for another time, but I know school is going to be stressful until I make some decisions. Not necessarily about classes or major, but about the school itself. I wanted a degree from a Christian school. However, the cost it outrageous. I don't want to graduate with a mountain of debt and therefore have to consider other schools.

For now, I'll hold onto the little things. My dogs make me laugh. My husband makes me smile (sorta halfway). My busyness keeps me sane. For that, I have to be thankful.