A Season of Thanksgiving

I could focus my post for today on the sadness I feel, we both feel. We know it's there. If you read much of my blog, you know it's there.

It's the usual sadness compounded by being alone here in Ohio, the growing list of changes we've had this year and some significant loss.

I'm not going there. I'm not restating nor dwelling on the obvious.

So much that has happened this year has given me a deeper understanding of thanksgiving.

I know, I've mentioned this many times before so bare with me.

The two miscarriages were hard and still are. It's the first one that has changed me the most. Not the loss, but the experience.

The miscarriage started the end of June and wasn't diagnosed/stopped/removed until the first of September.

My body went through hell during that six weeks. My white blood cell count went up while my hemoglobin plummeted. I was in excruciating pain. My body temperature dropped. My heart rate skyrocketed.

When I had surgery in September, my heart rate was 284 and I had tachycardia. My body temp dropped to 94 degrees. My blood pressure was high and my hemoglobin was 6.9. In recovery, my body normalized and my hemoglobin started to raise.

In recovery, my nurse said I was very sick and my doctor had saved my life. He said nobody realized how sick I was and I could have died. I took that only somewhat seriously. That was until I got a call from my doctor the next day. He said he was certain about halfway through the surgery that he was going to lose me. He was sure he could get my body temp up or my heart rate stabilized.

At my follow up visit, he explained everything in detail. It made sense, but left me with a lot to think about. Because I went straight into a meltdown over the miscarriage, it took me a while to consider everything else.

I could have died. I had a doctor who thought he was going to lose me in surgery. It's taken me a while to wrap my head around that completely.

The whole experience has changed how I see life. I've become a little less anxious and a little more willing to be vulnerable. I'm a lot more willing to try things and have let it push me toward the future.

The biggest change has been in my heart.

I am infinitely more thankful than I ever have been before. I'm even learning to be thankful in the midst of struggle and not just after.

I'm thankful for what I have and know it's not because of what I've done or that I'm deserving. It's all temporary gifts. I'm so much more thankful for people, their sacrifice, example and correction. I'm more thankful for time and want to use it in ways that glorify God.

I've become more thankful for my savior than I ever have been. I often read about or meditate on the death of Jesus. His sacrifice has become so real for me. I find myself laying out my sin and grieving over all the little things that Jesus had to die for. I have developed a profound amount of thankfulness for Jesus.

It hasn't been just my experience alone. This year has been a tough year for friends. One of my friends is losing a battle with cancer. A 24 year old friend and daughter of friends passed away this year after multiple health issues. Another friend was given a life ending diagnoses. Several friends have suffered losses of parents, spouses and unborn children.

They've all praised God before, through and after. Their faithfulness has been a constant encouragement to me. I find myself thanking God with them and for them.

After we are born, each day we live is one day closer to death and eternal life for believers. It's easy to be sad about death and excited for our eternal home.

As Christians, we do things a little backwards from the world. The world is excited about life that comes after birth. Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus because we are so excited about the death.

This Christmas, I am abundantly thankful for the birth of Christ and so much more. I'm thankful He was born to die for me.