Marsha, Marsha, Marsha

That's what I think about in those times when I've been dwelling on this baby stuff. Mine sounds more like a whiny woman saying Baby, Baby, Baby.

In all seriousness, this baby stuff has weighed heavy on me since September. There's not a day that's passed without thinking about it.

A child. That's a life altering thing that deserves every bit of thinking and prayer that I can possibly muster.

With the new year approaching, I have known that a decision needed to be made quickly. I've struggled with it. I have written previously about how I could not make a decision.

Choosing fertility treatments comes with a lot of sacrifice, which doesn't scare me. What does scare me is the unknown. There's no guarantee. We would be able to go through 1-2 rounds of IVF. It would break us, but it would be worth it...if it were successful. But we don't know. I am not overstating this, another loss or walking away empty handed might break me. I don't think I could emotionally recover from that. I've barely recovered physically and am still recovering emotionally from two miscarriages this summer.

Choosing adoption comes with lots of risk. I won't deny that. It would take a lot of our savings. It would be worth it.

We could choose nothing. That's not where either of us lean. We have love and a home and a life we want to share.

Have you ever tried to figure out God's will for your life? Not always an easy thing to do. I've prayed for a clear direction. My husband said since it was my body, he'd support whatever I chose. I've prayed and begged for him...for anyone...to make the decision for me.

I've felt and been told by friends that this was an opportunity to have a child, a second chance, that I shouldn't pass up. I've felt obligated to take the leap and put my heart on the line. I've pushed mysef to believe I'd be ok no matter the outcome. I've falsely convinced myself that I would be judged if I didn't take this opportunity.

Since my doctor is expecting a decision from me within a month, I did what any half-crazed middle aged woman would do. I went to my minister for godly counsel on knowing God's will in this.

Let me say this....

My minister is a young guy. Helping at the church allows me to have light hearted, fun conversation. I (sorta, kind of, most definitely) misjudged him. He graciously met with me after my meltdown in September. Even then, I fully expected him to throw some scripture at me and send me on my way. Each time I've met with him, he's kicked my butt with biblical truth, wisdom, humility and genuine compassion.

Talking through this baby stuff with him was no different.

He'd said before that there was no wrong decision here. I know I dismissed it. Surely I could make the wrong decision.

So I laid it all out for him. Through the past few months, each person I've talked with has spoke directly to my heart and my longing to have a child. They've encouraged me to follow through with fertility treatments. I don't fault them. But, I've either not shared my fear or they've not heard my heart on what more loss would do to me.

My minister, he's seen the tears from my broken heart. He's seen firsthand how deeply the loss of a baby crushes me. He's witnessed the crazy. It was not pretty.

Today, he told me exactly what he would do if it were his decision. Adopt!

Through our conversation, I felt as though the weight was being lifted. There really was no wrong decision. That it was ok to not risk it all. That I had permission to not push mysef into a decision that has no promise. Do you get the gravity of this? I needed to hear it was ok for me to let go of this. I needed permission to say no and return to the original plan.

It doesn't come without emotion. I'm giving up all hope of a biological child. I don't take that lightly. However, that was my reality before September. There will be some grieving, but it won't be  spirit crushing.

We talked about adoption, a lot. Adoption was the direction Kent and I planned to eventually go prior to September. My minister reminded me of so many examples of how adoption works and works well.

The oldest of my brothers married a woman who was pregnant with another mans baby. That little girl is his daughter, my niece and always will be.

After an intense, emotional conversation with my husband, we've decided to return to our original plan. Adoption.

We will continue to pray, prepare and pray some more. We have an idea of when we'd like to begin the process, but will pray and know that God's plan may look different than ours.

In the meantime, I praise God for those willing to speak to me with wisdom. I praise Him for growing me through this tough times. I praise Him for the promise of eternal life with a loving Father, childless or not.