Yikes!!!!

Where to start...

First of all, I think I'm getting sick. I've been fighting chills, cough, tired and achy body. I still have 4 1/2 days left, I don't have time to get sick. I'm hoping that returning home tonight and getting a good nights sleep in my own bed will help.

I'm mentally and emotionally worn out. It's a constant up and down.

There's an underlying emotional high that just is. I have my family here and that makes me happy.

But...

There's difficult stuff.

Hard stuff doesn't scare me. I have/do/am/can walk through crazy tough stuff with other people. It's entirely different when it's your own stuff, your own family.

Something has happened, something terrible.

My parents have spent concentrated time convincing my little brother that my middle brother is the primary reason I left the family.

As I've said before, my middle brother has some major problems. He was severely abused and has residual problems because of it. You don't come out of a home like ours unscathed.

Is he a bad guy? Yes. I cannot be around him. The last time I was left alone with him, about 8 years ago, he went into a rage and beat me. Being around him with others present causes high emotion in me and not positive emotion. Our relationship is toxic. I've accepted that. I've forgiven him. I understand him in ways he may not understand himself. I love him, but I cannot be around him.

He is NOT the reason I left the family.

My little brother has a growing resentment toward him because of the blame that's been placed on him.

I can't. I can't let him continue to believe the lie.

It breaks my heart and scares me.

There's no fear in being honest.

The truth is that my parents left me before I knew I needed to leave them. My mom hung up on me when I told her I'd become a christian and was being baptized. She never called again. Never. Symbolically, I had left the family. I'd broken the family circle of darkness. Technically, I'd left the family but she's the one who severed contact.

I have and can tell my brother that. That's not going to be sufficient.

He can't blame our brother. Hating our brother is wrong. His anger is misplaced. I want him to understand he's not to blame and to know that our brother is the way he is because of abuse. He can't help himself. I hate saying this because it implies that I believed I deserved sympathy at one time. But, there is sympathy for my brother. He's unhealthy. He's been broken by evil. He lives in brokenness and doesn't understand he needs help.

There's so much I don't know how to explain. How do I tell my little brother that him beating his daughter is what cause the dam to break for me? How do I tell him that the dad he hunts with is a rapist and child molester? How do I tell him that his kids Meemaw is a child abuser and neglected her children?

None of that would be a huge surprise to him. Except, he's either locked it away or still lives in the reality that those are all normal things.

I did both. It was all locked away. However, it took me 6 years to understand and believe that it was all wrong.

I'm stuck in an impossible position. It's not about me being right. It's not about vindication. It's not about anything besides truth. I don't want to cause any more harm, but truth needs to become real in this family.

The lies have permeated our entire family. So many that nobody knows the truth. Lies upon lies upon lies. They are being passed onto new generations.

It hurts. This may be more difficult than having no contact with any of my family.

I don't know what to do and fully believe I'm going to screw it up.

Please pray for me. Please pray for truth.

I don't want to lose my brother again and know my influence ends on Saturday and my parents' begins again on Saturday.