My Baby Brother

He gets a little testy when I call him that, but he is my baby brother.

I'm so incredibly proud of my brother.

There was a time when I couldn't say that. Even though my mom protected him from a lot of abuse, he was still beaten in my dad's rages. He saw some abuse but not all of it. It's questionable whether he even knows about the sexual abuse.

He didn't walk away unscathed from our childhood.

When he was younger, he was a bad kid. Sweet as can be, but bad. He was sexually active very young and often with my other brother's girlfriends. At the time, he wasn't aggressive and didn't get angry. That in itself was amazing. He lived in our shadows. I excelled academically and my other brother was a standout in sports. My little brother was a product of the special education system and played golf. He was a little, scrawny guy. So he got teased a lot! But never any anger.

Like I said, he was sweet. He had the heart of a saint, but the hands of a klepto. He was a bit of a Robinhood. He'd steal and give everything away. When I was struggling, he stole money from my parents and gave it to me. I didn't know at the time what he'd done. Thankfully, he grew out of that in adulthood.

Back to the sex thing. In 1997, he got his then girlfriend pregnant. She was underage. We were asked if wanted to adopt the child. We weren't married yet and regretfully declined. A few years later, he got his then 15 year old girlfriend pregnant. She had my nephew at 16 and my niece 10 months and 1 day later. In between children, he married her.

I know they had a rough marriage for a while. They were kids with kids. My brother had a huge problem with writing bad checks and couldn't tell the truth. Somewhere through there, he developed an anger problem. One that led to him hitting his kids.

Behavior makes sense when you understand where it came from.

Now, let me get to the gushing, proud sister moments.

That's not who my brother is any more. He has changed and without professional help. He's no longer angry. He doesn't beat his kids. He doesn't lie or steal.

He's a good, family guy with a stable work history. He doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs. He loves his wife and has made a good life for them.

It's buried, but he's still got a huge heart.

He is a volunteer fireman and is very passionate. The small town we are from has lost a lot of children in house fires, including a kid we grew up with and his family. I know my brother was passionate about saving people. His time on the unit has been hard. I believe he's faced a lot and it has matured him. A few years ago, he responded to an overturned truck in a creek. My brother went in for the recovery not knowing he was about to pull out his deceased brother in law. I know it changed him, softened him and he's been different since.

When I severed ties with my family, my brother and his family were the hardest loss for me. It was so painful, that many times I nearly gave up Jesus to go back. It was a causality that was just too much for me.

My niece and nephew didn't understand and thanks to my sister in law, we had maintained a semblance of a relationship for a few years. That led to us spending more and more time with the kids over the past three years. We've gotten them at holidays or spring break or in the summer.

It was last year that I saw my brother for the first time in 6 years. As much as I wanted to grab hold and not let go, I knew we weren't there.

He didn't understand why I left the family and was tainted by what my parents had said.

So the past 18 months, I have stayed consistent with him and have shown him as much love as I could from a distance.

Now, him and the family are coming for 8 days. Oh my goodness how things have changed. When we were back in September and November, we spent several meals with them. We had lots of laughs and had a good time.

Again, I wanted nothing more than hug him tight for hours on end.

I'm nervous about this visit. Excited, but nervous. I love them all. So much that I want things to be perfect. However, I'm anxious about possible conversations. I want to show him the love of Christ and I'm terrified I will fail. I want it to be fun, but know we are in the middle of nowhere.

My brother is a fixer and I know wants to put the family back together. That can't happen and I'm fearful of the conversation. My minister said something so profound to me. I know I won't do it justice. He said that we've already lost so much, it would be terrible to let the past take any more from us. That's so so so true. I must keep reminding myself of that. I don't want to waste a second on what we can't change or anxiety.

Only a few more days and they will be here. I can't wait. In a season that's so hard, their visit is my gift. I can't believe I get 8 days to love on them!