Mixed Bag

We go home last night at 9:30 and leave tomorrow morning at 5 am. I'm tired to say the least. I'm dreading this trip. That's just honest.

It's never easy to look forward to a funeral. I hate that is the reason for the trip. But I dread all of it.

We've not learned yet how to manage these trips. How to prioritize visits and who it's ok to disappoint. We've been back twice and both times left people disappointed. It made us feel like we didn't prioritize correctly at the time and guilty that we let someone down. We've tried to give ample opportunities, but people's schedules never mesh.

I'm just gonna say this and it will make me sound awful, I know. I'm super excited to see the people I considered family two years ago. They were a solid group of friends for about three years. At the same time, I'm not excited at all. These are the same people who have mostly forgotten about me. The majority have had none to little contact with me unless I initiated. They are the same people who've made me feel lonely the past year. The same group who mostly forgot my 40th birthday. Why would I be excited? It's a hard balance that I'm not sure how to maneuver nor how to feel.

There are a few people who will be upset that I make no contact with them nor an effort to see them. They aren't a part of this group, but have mostly forgotten about me. We will have ONE day in town and part of that will be for a funeral. I don't know how to make it all work. It also doesn't seem fair to put priority in people who don't seem to care. I don't know. Of course there are a select few people none of this applies to and I'm looking forward to seeing them.

For 3 of the 4 nights, we are staying with my in laws. Oh how miserable, let me count the ways. My mother in law won't be a problem unless she gets mean. She mostly sleeps. However, she will be the downer. The thing that makes my husband grouchy, difficult and sad. I understand and yet, it's hard to handle.

My father in law will be grouchy as usual, I am sure. Again, understandable. I'll fume as I watch him treat his wife as she should be able to function normally and constantly bitch that she doesn't clean any more. It will be hot cause they keep the house 80 degrees and that will make tempers rise.

If we stay one day and the dogs are covered in fleas, then we will be scrambling for a hotel and all plans change. That's an extra stress.

My brother and his family is easy to deal with this time. There has been no contact since Christmas break and so, there's no need to have any now. It'll alter how I feel. It's sad.

We both know and feel all these things. Not going to lie, we will fight. They will be huge fights where we don't speak to each other for hours or go to bed mad.

I think about all these things and wonder why I would ever want to leave here. We've discussed that a lot lately. We only have one year left that we have to stay. Do we want to stay? Do we want to go back to KC? Do we want to go somewhere else? All I know is that preparing for this trip makes me lean toward staying. I may not have many friends, but I don't have the stress.