Start of Summer

As I mentioned before, it's been a rough week and the weekend hasn't been much better. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. It is what it is. 

We've finally acknowledged a pattern for my husband. It took three years, but we are beginning to understand his spiral after visiting his parents. Each time he sees them, he goes through weeks of depression. He's up and down about whether he wants to be with them more or not. This goes back prior to his moms diagnosis, but is more prevalent now. Each time he is around them, he goes through a grieving process all over again. 

That's the really crappy part of Alzheimer's. The person is there but they aren't. Each time we are with his parents, he goes through that deep emotional loss with this difficult to understand element of her still being alive. Since we aren't as close as all his siblings, his dad's decline is much more noticeable to us. Now he's beginning to grieve both of his parents and it's hard. 

Going back always puts us in this limbo of wondering where we belong. I'm going to say this knowing anyone could prove me wrong, but believing perception is everything. We feel very much forgotten by friends and family back home. It is rare for anyone to make contact with us unless we initiate. We feel incredibly alone here as neither of us have been successful at relationships here. Not that they don't exist, but we definitely feel like outsiders and a deep sense of loneliness. 

I think that's why this weekend is rough. Last year, we were still getting settled and the holiday weekend blew past us. This year, things are slower and that loneliness has settled deep in both of us. We were never at home this weekend in years past. We'd go spend time with friends or at the lake with the in laws. Other years, we'd go to Branson. 

This year, we have nothing. We see families gathering across the street. The neighbors next door having a bonfire. Our fb feed is filled with families and friends spending time together. How can we not feel lonely? 

We've discussed it a lot. We don't feel like we belong in either place. 

Over the next few months, we will be discussing and praying through what next May will look like. We only have to be here until next May. 

There are things we love about living here. Neither of us feel compelled to run back to KC. Do we stay? Do we go back to KC? Do we start over some place new? I don't know. I do know that I'll never feel content without roots. 

I can only hope the rest of our summer is better than this, better than last year.