This Time of Year

The Timehop app is a great reminder of what life was like year after year on today's date. It's always great to see how things have changed and pictures I've forgotten.

Over the past few days, I've realized that this time of year has been notoriously difficult.

Six years ago, I was going through the stress of sentencing with my previous office manager. Even though it was the close of a much more stressful time, sentencing was hard. Seeing her was hard. She apologized to the two owners, but not us. Not the people she probably emotionally hurt the worst. We had families struggling to feed their kids and she was living the high life. The doctors would approve cash bonuses and she would take the cash and go on vacation. She cut hours off paycheck a that were worked. She even personally attacked me by giving me and my info as contact info on maxed, unpaid credit cards so that collection calls came to me. Of course it was a difficult time.

Four years ago, we had our accident. It was hard to recover physically. My concussion caused dizziness for six months. Anxiety was high. It was a tough time.

Last year, we were both in a serious funk after moving. We both cried night after night and wanted to go back home. It was this time last year that we also had a pretty good idea our second contract on our house was going to fall through.

All the other years show a consistency in depression and anxiety.

Last night at bible study, we talked about how this time of year is typically a time when a lot of people feel that resistance of uphill battles, especially spiritually.

Honestly, I know this is true for me now. I feel distant from God. As if I'm rowing toward him only half-heartedly and getting further away.

There's nothing specific that's causing it. Not massive trial, not constant hurt. There are constants, but nothing that I can say, it's all that.

One of things mentioned last night is that it is important to feed into people but also to surround yourself with those who feed into you. A huge red flag went up for me. I know this. It's important to give and do, which I try to given my limited interaction with people. I send texts and cards and emails to encourage people. I try to provide meals or help to people here when the need is known. I've even tried to do that from afar by ordering pizza or gifts. I pray and send scripture when I know it's needed.  I reach out to people who aren't Christians and try to show them a love that isn't my own.


I don't share any of that to make myself seem like a saint, I'm not. I'm not looking for a pat on the back. I do share it so that you can understand something I learned a while ago. Pouring out of yourself is wonderful and part of being the body of Christ. However, when you continually pour out without being poured into, you'll eventually be empty.

It was explained to me like a gas tank. If you use all the gas and never fill up, you're going to be stuck on empty and unable to keep going.

My gauge isn't on empty, but it's close. There have been short infusions throughout this past year, but nothing that has lasted. I don't have a group of people or close friends I can go to when I need that kind of encouragement and pouring into.

We do go to a bible study on Wednesday nights. We are usually the two youngest people, besides the minister. The people are sweet and it is usually our only time to refuel. An elderly lady from the class has sent a couple encouraging cards and they always pray for us when something is happening. But there's been nothing more, nothing that makes us feel close.

We go to church on Sunday. That's a great time of worship and we definitely feel taught. I can't say that we ever leave feeling close to anyone but God. That's not a bad thing. I'm just saying that relationship building and feeling like we get the encouragement we need to refuel isn't happening for us.

Please, please don't think I'm pointing a finger and saying anyone is doing something wrong, I'm not. It's quite probable that the problem is us. I only share that to show how easy it has been for us to run on empty a lot this past year.

I know even in that, God is sufficient. I think when you feel as though you're running on empty, it's even harder to hold onto Him. Even though that's when you should hold on the tightest.